WEEK OF JUNE 19, 2005

Ben Announces Plans for "Director's Cut"

Deily to create the "version of Ben you were always intended to see."

Ben, producer hold a "story meeting." (UPI)

SAN FRANCISCO -- Ben Deily has announced plans for a Ben Deily "director's cut," slated to include -- along with creator commentary, bonus footage, and restored scenes -- an additional forty to perhaps even fifty years of previously unseen material. "Of course," Deily admits, "that's a pretty generous estimate, based on actuarial data...barring acts of God, falling pianos, murder, unhealthy changes in lifestyle, that kinda thing."

When pressed as to what a "director's cut" would add to the existing Ben Deily, Deily responded that it would allow the public to "finally see Ben Deily as he was intended to be seen, fully restored and, incidentally, digitally remastered."

"When Ben was first created, we had to cede a fair amount of creative control," explains Deily. "Then, of course, there were budgetary restraints...a whole raft of unpredictable 'life events' that prevented the original vision from being realized. But I think now it's fair to say that the time has come to present the original vision."

Ben to assert directorial/metaphysical "prerogative" (AP)

Responding to suggestions that the existing Ben Deily should be preserved for appreciation/mockery by "future generations," Deily became visibly irritated. "Ben Deily is not some cold, lifeless artifact! It's a work in progress."

Softening, Deily added: "Hey, it's not like we haven't TRIED to keep the original intact. We've attempted countless schemes over the years to preserve the 'classic' Ben Deily...but short of some kind of cryo-preservation, there doesn't seem to be a way to prevent or forestall the inevitable physical, intellectual and spiritual alteration of the original. What are YOU, anyway, some kinda robot?"

Deily did, however, promise that old fans would be "pleased and surprised" by the changes to come over the next half-century or so. "I think even hardcore purists will be delighted with some of the stuff they're going to see. At least I hope so. If not, well, as the kids say, tough noogie."

"After all," added Deily, "I AM the director. I am invoking my right to final cut."

What's That Sound? Why, it's MLOD

MLOD in a "real world" deployment (UPI)

bendeily.com develops, pushes for adoption of new Instant Messaging acronym

SAN FRANCISCO -- bendeily.com today announced the invention of a new "IM" acronym: MLOD, or "[the] mirthless laughter of the damned." A press release read, in part: "Move over, IMHO. Step aside, BTW and WTF. It's time for the IM World to embrace MLOD!"

The website reportedly hopes that viral word-of-mouth will soon have folks all over the globe enjoying the flexibility of this pointless new substitute for human speech.

When reached for clarification, a spokesperson for the site explained: "We've been concerned for some time about this whole 'LOL' business...especially its use -- or rather, abuse -- in situations where it doesn't quite capture the nuances of the levity-free laughter in question. We hope MLOD will fix all that."

Reportedly, an earlier Beta-version -- "HLOD," or "hollow laughter of the damned" -- was abandoned as "not quite as funny."

In the end, it is hoped that this invention can augment the electronic communication processes so crucial in today's interconnected world. "We believe it will be especially helpful to the business IM user," the spokesperson noted. "I mean, who does more MLODing, after all?"

(Detail) (UPI)