July 10 2005

Former "musician" has no quarrel with vast, slightly menacing religious organization

SAN FRANCISCO -- In a carefully-worded statement, Ben Deily announced today that he is "totally cool with the Church Of Scientology. Honest."

"Given the recent media attention given to Tom Cruise, and the attendant public interest in the Church of Scientology, I felt it was important at this time to restate unequivocally my utterly equivocal stance on this huge, shadowy, well-funded and terrifying entity."

Clarifying his attitude toward the worldwide religion inspired by the late L. Ron Hubbard, Deily hastened to add that he "really hasn't got anything at all to say, one way or the other, about the whole thing. At all."

Deily -- who describes himself as a "big, huge fan" of famed Scientologists John Travolta and Isaac Hayes -- added that he "would never, ever" seek any dispute with an organization that enjoys such a well-documented reputation for ruthless smear campaigns, crippling lawsuits, and the remorseless pursuit and destruction of all perceived enemies.

"I mean, true or not, the stories are enough to scare anybody," Deily stammered, smiling nervously. "Which is why I have no opinion. About Scientology. Er, that is, Dianetics. They're not quite the same, right? You know, forget I even asked."

Asked whether he is concerned that the use of words like "Scientology" and "Dianetics," on his website might lead Church of Scientology-operated sifting programs -- which reportedly comb the internet's millions of sites ceaselessly looking for flagged keywords -- to identify bendeily.com for potential targeting, Deily looked stunned. "They can do that? No way. Oh, f**k me."

As of press time, the intimidating, mystery-shrouded "free personality test"-dispensing religious entity in question has not been reached for comment.